Good Mamas Make Milk?

May 13, 2012

Deacon is still taking 3-6oz per day of formula. 

I've decided to stop feeling guilty about it.

I've made no secret of my intense desire for my son to be exclusively breastfed. I was forced to supplement when he was 3 days old. The hospital wouldn't let us leave until he gained weight back (he lost 13% of his body weight but I blame a lot of this to the excess fluids I was pumped with for my failed induction/c-section.)

I just never produced enough. I've read every book. I've gone to La Leche League meetings. I've met repeatedly with a lactation consultant. I did SNS. I researched breastfeeding-friendly bottle nipples and different feeding methods (Drs Gordon, Newman, Sears, Smilie, etc.)  I nursed every hour. I pumped. I took every herbal supplement suggested (fenugreek, goats rue, blessed thistle, milk thistle, nettle, alfalfa, hops... I was a pill factory.) I ate lactation cookies like a mofo.  I ate oatmeal until it came out my ears.  I drank rootbeer for letdown.  I tracked wet and poopy diapers, times fed, ounces fed. I tried just cutting out the supplements (result = no wet dipes.) I checked my thyroid.

I felt like I wasn't a person anymore, just a failing milk factory.

Finally, I started domperidone. I am going on my third week. It has helped tremendously but was not the miracle I hoped for.

Between all these methods I've gone from maybe 25% breastmilk to about 85%... but I cannot wean past about 3-6 ounces of formula a day. If I don't supply those ounces the baby stops having wet diapers.

And I've come to the decision that I just can't do this anymore. I'm driving myself nuts. Every day is an emotional roller coaster. One day we'll only have 1oz and I'll think "THIS IS IT!" but the next day we have 8oz and I feel like a failure. I suspect I have insufficient glandular problems. In fact, I suspected this even before Deacon was born.

I will keep taking domperidone... and I will nurse as much as possible. But I will no longer feel guilty if I give my child a bottle. I will no longer feel like a failure. I will be thankful my son is happy, healthy, and thriving. He is chubby and cheerful. His mama did everything she possibly could to give him the best start she could.

Basically, I'm going to be satisfied with my "mostly breastfed baby." 

At this age, when all they do is nurse and sleep, we feel like producing milk is our mark as a successful mother.  But producing milk is not what makes you a good mama. :)