Dr. Sears Is Not My God

In light of the recent TIME magazine article on the AP lifestyle, I feel like this post is warranted.  If I were to label my "parenting style" I would call it attachment parenting.  (Hence the title of this blog.)  But I'm here to say something that needs to be said:

Dr. Sears is not my god.

It's true.  I actually have a mind of my own and don't necessarily agree with all of the Sears parenting advice.  Shocking, I know.  When there is a public "figurehead" of a movement I think it's very easy for society to assume that everyone who follows similar methods is his acolyte. Certainly, he has many fans... and yet I haven't run across many APers who begin their sentences with "Dr. Sears says..."

In fact, when he said the birthing experience should be described as "sensation" not "pain" I wanted to punch him in the face. That's holy-mother-of-god fucking pain, buddy.

If anything, I would say the spirit of modern AP is to keep pace with the beat of your own drum and not follow any specific dogma. Something I often hear repeated in AP circles is "this is what works for OUR family" with no assumptions that it is what you should do with yours.

In my mind, APing means parenting with heart. It means ignoring all the methods and parenting plans out there that tout their way is the only way for all babies and instead parenting with instinct. It means keeping in mind what the world looks like through a child's eyes: so enormous and new and overwhelming that they need you, their parent, to be their constant grounding rod, their port in the storm.

In NO WAY does it mean raising dependent children.

Sure, Dr. Sears has some ideas that many APers (and non-APers) think sound good: things like babywearing or not crying it out. There are definitely similarities or common practices among APers. But in the end we are all different. In fact, most of us are quite open minded.

Just something to keep in mind the next time you hear about AP.

Mother's Love

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.
After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
- Unknown

Dom Day #31

I've been taking domperidone for one month now.  It really has been a lifesaver.  I feel like without it we might never have established the nursing relationship we have now, where the baby actually trusts that there will be milk available every time he latches.  He has the patience now to nurse through at least a couple of letdowns, rather than pulling off after a minute or two and crying.

I consider myself blessed to have discovered domperidone and I'm sad and frustrated that it isn't available in the United States.  There are so many mothers out there who would benefit from it and they either don't know about it or are afraid to try it because they believe the impractical and biased decision made by the FDA.

For those mamas out there considering domperidone here are good resources to try:


Domperidone, Getting Started by Dr. Jack Newman

Dr. Smilie's Letter to the FDA

Official Statements from Drs. Gordon and Newman and Pharmacist Frank Nice

And, of course, where to legally buy:

Inhouse Pharmacy

Dom Day #19

May 15, 2012

The baby seems less interested in formula the past couple days but still nurses often.  Hopefully this is a good sign.

Mother's Day Memories

May 13, 2012

It is my first mother's day.  Its beautiful outside and feels like summer.  My sisters and I sat outside while the kids played.

I sat on the grass in the shade with Deacon, took off his socks, and let him feel the grass on his feet for the first time.  He liked it!  He even reached down to pet it with his chubby fingers.

Then I put my niece's pink pinwheel in front of him so he could touch it and watch it spin.  So fun!

Good Mamas Make Milk?

May 13, 2012

Deacon is still taking 3-6oz per day of formula. 

I've decided to stop feeling guilty about it.

I've made no secret of my intense desire for my son to be exclusively breastfed. I was forced to supplement when he was 3 days old. The hospital wouldn't let us leave until he gained weight back (he lost 13% of his body weight but I blame a lot of this to the excess fluids I was pumped with for my failed induction/c-section.)

I just never produced enough. I've read every book. I've gone to La Leche League meetings. I've met repeatedly with a lactation consultant. I did SNS. I researched breastfeeding-friendly bottle nipples and different feeding methods (Drs Gordon, Newman, Sears, Smilie, etc.)  I nursed every hour. I pumped. I took every herbal supplement suggested (fenugreek, goats rue, blessed thistle, milk thistle, nettle, alfalfa, hops... I was a pill factory.) I ate lactation cookies like a mofo.  I ate oatmeal until it came out my ears.  I drank rootbeer for letdown.  I tracked wet and poopy diapers, times fed, ounces fed. I tried just cutting out the supplements (result = no wet dipes.) I checked my thyroid.

I felt like I wasn't a person anymore, just a failing milk factory.

Finally, I started domperidone. I am going on my third week. It has helped tremendously but was not the miracle I hoped for.

Between all these methods I've gone from maybe 25% breastmilk to about 85%... but I cannot wean past about 3-6 ounces of formula a day. If I don't supply those ounces the baby stops having wet diapers.

And I've come to the decision that I just can't do this anymore. I'm driving myself nuts. Every day is an emotional roller coaster. One day we'll only have 1oz and I'll think "THIS IS IT!" but the next day we have 8oz and I feel like a failure. I suspect I have insufficient glandular problems. In fact, I suspected this even before Deacon was born.

I will keep taking domperidone... and I will nurse as much as possible. But I will no longer feel guilty if I give my child a bottle. I will no longer feel like a failure. I will be thankful my son is happy, healthy, and thriving. He is chubby and cheerful. His mama did everything she possibly could to give him the best start she could.

Basically, I'm going to be satisfied with my "mostly breastfed baby." 

At this age, when all they do is nurse and sleep, we feel like producing milk is our mark as a successful mother.  But producing milk is not what makes you a good mama. :)

Dom Day #12

May 08, 2012

Supply is OK.  The baby needed 3oz at 3pm.  I'm thinking of stopping the way I track intake and output (ounces and wet diapers.)  The ups and downs and worry is driving me loony. 

Deacon is very healthy and very happy and that is all that matters.  I've been so obsessed with exclusively breastfeeding because it is so much better for the baby... but I also wonder if my ego hasn't gotten involved.  I want to say "I exclusively breastfeed."  I want to prove that my body works and that I can provide for my children.

He gets mostly breastmilk.  6oz of formula per day is nothing compared to the 20-something ounces he gets from the breast.

Memories of laughter

May 08, 2012

Deacon had his first real laugh yesterday!  I was talking to him while I put him in his carseat (something he usually hates) and he let out this delightful gurgling little peal of laughter.  SO SWEET!

I don't think I'll ever forget the first time he laughed.

Today was great: we were playing a game where I would swing him up and kiss his nose and then swing him do wn, then up, repeat, repeat.  We were standing on the porch and he was swinging in and out of a shaft of sunlight.  Every time he went down (into the sun) he would LAUGH.  Such amazing giggles.  And every time I kissed his nose he would give a big open-mouth grin.  I wish I could have recorded it.

Dom Day #11

May 07, 2012

Today was teh first 24 hour period baby went with no formula!  He had a bottle at 7pm last night and didn't need another until 10pm tonight!  Words can't express how excited this makes me.

Dom Day #10

May 06, 2012

Yesterday Deacon only had 3oz of fomula!  The lowest we have ever managed!  He was eating every hour last night though and seemed extra fussy and out of sorts today.  I'm not sure if its related or not.  He had 6oz today.  Although the domperidone IS helping, I have to admit, I hoped to be off formula by now.  Disappointed.

Dom Day #8

May 04, 2012

I have increased my dosage from 120mg/day to 160/day.

Last night's breastfeeding went really well.  While nursing to sleep the baby ate for a good 20-30 minutes, suckling through multiple letdowns.  It was so exciting!  That must be how it is supposed to be!  Not how during the day he sucks and sucks but doesn't swallow.

Because he fed so well right before bed, he slept more continuously and woke up less to nurse.  He woke up at 6 and kicked around in bed until 8.  Drank 1.5oz at 11:30 and that is it so far.  He's had four wet diapers and one super poopy one... but I'm not sure if morning diaper production is from today's intake or from last night? 

Anyway,  I am keeping my fingers crossed for continued improvement!

Dom Day #7

May 03, 2012

I am taking 4x3 but am considering just taking the max dose of 4x4.  I haven't yet experienced any side effects beyond some heartburn that may be unrelated.  People on my mommy message boards say it took up to six weeks for "full effect" but most seemed to be able to discontinue supplements after 1-2 weeks.

I was engorged in the right breast for much of the night last night yet Deacon was eating probably every hour and sucking on his fingers and fussing between nursings.  I think it might be a growth spurt? 

Will try not to overdo on the formula today and will hopefully nurse a ton!

Dom Day #5

May 01, 2012

Decided to increase to 40mg x 3 times daily.  I have seen an increase but not enough to stop supplementing during the day.  Today we went until 2:30pm but that was pushing it.  He kept sticking his tongue out and smacking.  Then he drank 4oz.  He was awake for about half an hour after that before falling asleep in his wrap.

Dom Day #4

April 30, 2012

Yesterday the baby had a total of 6oz.  He seemed to nurse quite well through the night.  I even felt milk dripping from the right breast as he nursed!  (This has never happened.)  Today he had 3oz at 1pm and that is all so far!  Though he does seem to be getting hungrier now and the boobs aren't fill fast enough, as they never do in the afternoons.  Keeping my fingers crossed!

Domperidone does seem to be causing heartburn... or maybe not.  It could be unrelated.  I think the lactation cookies were giving me heartburn last week.

Memory of a two month old

April 29, 2012

The baby seems to have made such advancements the last couple days.  He's so big!  So tall!  So much more alert.  He coos and giggles at Grammy like nobodies business.  Such a big talker!  He's learning to use his hands much more - petting things, grabbing them.  He was playing with his toy cow in the carseat for a few minutes today!  I heard the crinkling of the cow's ears and looked in the rearview mirror.  There he was, looking down at it, crinkling its paws and ears.

He's napping on me right now.  My love.  <3

Dom Day #3

April 29, 2012

Day three on dom. I think there has already been a slight increase!  It is 6:30pm and he's had 6oz... so he's still needing supplements but we went from 10pm-11am with no supplement!  And he wasn't even frantic with hunger!  I seem to have way less supply in the afternoon for some reason so I have to supplement during afternoons or evening.

Both breasts seemed to leak a little last night!  Not a whole bunch... but considering my right breast used to take 12+ hours to leak and it was leaking at about 6 hours or so... major improvement!

I'm so hopeful a few more days or slight doseage increase will get us off formula completely!  I am not pumping unless I have to because Deacon is nursing every 2-3 hours during the day and every 1.5-2 at night.  I couldn't fit in pumping even if I wanted to!

Dom Day #1

April 27, 2012

Domperidone arrived yesterday!!

I was driving myself crazy checking the UPS site which said it was still in New York but I thought I would check the mail just in case.  And there it was!  Took my first 30mg dose last night and another at 8am.

I was a little worried after the first dose, making myself paranoid about the FDA warning... but then I went online and reread all the info and letters of recommendation from all the breastfeeding advocates and nursing moms who had success as well as no side effects beyond a very occasional headache or some weight gain (rare).  So I feel more confident going ahead with this treatment. 

I hope it works!!

Breastfeeding backlog

I've been keeping a private journal documenting my breastfeeding struggles since I began taking domperidone.  It hasn't been easy.  Recording the progress we've made has helped.  So I've decided to upload that backlog of journal entries in case anyone out there is going through something similar.

April 24, 2012

I learned about the trap of formula supplementing today.  When I was breastfeeding every two hours and only giving formula as a very last resort it wasn't much of a problem... but then I had the idea to let the breast "fill" for a couple days to give him patience sucking.  (I know this is horrible for supply but the baby wouldn't suck for more than 3 minutes at any given time. Having a fuller breast with more letdowns really helped give him patience, so I still stand by that decision in our unique situation.)   Shortly after that we experienced a nursing strike.  And I realized I had gotten into the habit of him rejecting the breast, to the point where I wasn't offering as much.

I was at my nephew's baseball game and mom and I noticed the baby was fussing and rooting a bit.  But even when he's rooting he often rejects the breast when offered and cries harder.  Mom suggested I nurse him and I said "he probably won't want to but I'll try."

He nursed in the car for a good 20-30 minutes!

That night he had horrible gas pains and screamed for an hour and a half no matter what I did.  I was at the end of my rope with methods to soothe him.  I wanted to try nursing but I was afraid it would just upset his tummy further... plus I was sure he wouldn't want to, anyway.

Eventually, when nothing else worked, my brother-in-law suggested comfort nursing.  So I laid down with the baby and we nursed and he zonked out and slept five hours straight.

I've gotten into the bad habit of assuming he won't want to nurse... maybe because it hurts so much when he wrinkles up his nose and turns his head away.  So yesterday I made it a point to offer more and it worked a little... we got two or three small nursing in that we wouldn't have otherwise.

Today I offered every two hours again.  I wish I responded to the pump better.

I'm getting ready for my domperidone by trying to increase demand, especially now when he's on his daytime strike.  (He still nurses well at night.)

Baby's 3 Month Birthday

Yesterday was Deacon's three month birthday. We celebrated by hanging out, napping, nursing tons, and then I decided to try an amatuer photo shoot. I'm on a quest to be a mommytographer. Unfortunately, right now I'm more at grandma-with-a-disposable-camera level. But I got myself all spruced up anyway. I even brushed my hair! I put the baby in one of his BumGenius Elementals (the cutest cloth diapers I have so far) and started snapping.

I can't believe how much he's grown! I notice the small changes every day but fail to see the overall big picture until one day I blink and he's different.

I remember worrying because I didn't feel like I "loved" the baby yet while I was pregnant. Now its impossible for me to ever love something more.