Tuesday, July 2, 2013

MAMA!

Dear Deacon,

Today was 104!  Having learned from yesterday, we did not set one foot outdoors today.  I didn't even do much cleaning (beyond stripping your cloth diapers.)  We played.  You spent most of the day wandering naked (sans diaper), having me chase you with your remote control car, building towers out of boxes, and playing with pots and bowls full of water.

I think you're going through a growing spurt.  You ate like a horse today!  A big breakfast, two lunches, dinner, dessert, and a snack of cheerios afterward.  You're also changing mentally (and emotionally) on a daily basis the past few days.  You wake up bigger, brighter, different.

Today you started finally calling me "mama"!  You always knew I was mama, of course, and you knew how to say mama... you just always chose not to.  You never needed to address me.  But today, every time you wanted to show me something, or wanted me to give you something, it was "maMA! maMA!"

The sweetest words I've ever heard. :)

Monday, July 1, 2013

Our first toddler meltdown

Dear Deacon,

For the moment, I've found that blogging is easier if I write each post as if its a letter to you.  Weird, huh?  Right now they're sporadic and messy but maybe someday I can revise them and present them to you.  You can read these letters, this dialogue from the past, and maybe learn something about your mother or yourself that you never knew before!  I like that thought. 

I remember reading my mother's old journal (with her permission, of course) when I was a teenager and being struck by the realization for the first time that she was a real, vibrant, interesting person - not just a mother.  While being a mother was undoubtedly her favorite thing to be, as it is mine, it wasn't all there is to her, just as it's only one facet of me.  Maybe when you're a grown man you can understand some of the other facets of your mother.  Maybe you'll think that's cool.  Or maybe you'll think I'm lame.  I'm fine with it either way.

Today I went to my first La Leche League meeting since you were born.  I attended a few meetings while I was pregnant but once you were born I stopped going.  I'm not sure why.  Perhaps because I was in a haze of newborn bliss and didn't feel like leaving the house and socializing.  I also felt like I had done so much research, consulted lactation consultants, read books, etc. that there was nothing they could do to help me.  If I'm honest, I was also afraid of being judged by all the trouble I was having breastfeeding and by having to supplement with formula.

It's interesting, because looking back on it, I still instinctively try to feel guilty over the first six months of nursing.  I truly tried every single thing I knew to do... but I still end up feeling like I did it all wrong.  I was just so confused and no one could tell me "THIS is how you do it."  In the end, I know I truly did all that I could.  I tried so hard.  And so there is no reason to feel guilty.  But I do think if I had trusted my body more - and trusted you and your cues more - that we probably wouldn't have had to supplement.  It was a lesson well learned, though, and I suppose that's what matters in the end.  Besides, we have a lovely, trusting, playful breastfeeding relationship now, so it's a happy ending.

Anyway, back to the meeting.  You were the oldest baby there and you were so energetic and so much fun!  You charmed all the other mamas.  After that we visited Grammy.  You went down for a late (and regrettably short) nap before we jetted off to the grocery store.  All of this in 103 degree heat.  When we got home we were all tired, hot, and hungry.  You tasted your first (two) Nilla Wafers.  Ugh, they're disgusting, and I hated giving them to you, but you need to be able to try new things!  When I said "no" to a third, you had your very first meltdown.

Poor thing, you were utterly inconsolable.  I assumed you would calm down yourself after a minute or two, but you didn't.  You didn't want to nurse, you didn't want a different food, you didn't want to be diverted with games or books.  You just sobbed and sobbed until you were hiccuping for breath.  We went upstairs and watched Wiggles and cuddled and you calmed down after about half an hour.  But, boy, what an experience!  I felt so sorry for you and so stressed and so unsure of how to soothe you at the same time!

Of course, this won't be the last time you get so upset in your childhood, adolescence, or even adulthood.  I wonder if it will be so upsetting for me each time it happens to you?  Maybe not.  Maybe it's the new mom in me overreacting when you are anything but perfectly content.  But maybe it's a mother thing to always feel - or at least sympathize with the feeling - that your child is feeling?

We wrapped up the evening pleasantly with dinner (you turned up your nose at lentil soup and had broccoli and chicken sausage instead.) and a bath in the kitchen sink.  We played tag and hide-and-seek and you helped me straighten up the living room.  We read bedtime books and you fell asleep quickly.

As always, any day being your mother is a good day!

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Letter to Deacon, 16 Months

My dearest Deacon, I've been meaning to write this for some time now (six months or so) and I'd like to say that I didn't have the time but the truth is that I've been procrastinating. I haven't written about you or about motherhood in so long that it felt like anything I wrote had to be Very Important... and honestly, I just didn't have the energy to pour into such a huge endeavor. Because, you see, I'm pouring my energy into you.

But today I realized that I (already) can't remember when you took your first steps. Hopefully it's just one of those brain malfunctions and tomorrow I'll remember perfectly. I know it was around 12 months. Or was it 11 months? I just can't be sure. And so the fear of what else I may be forgetting has prompted me to write again after all.

I want to write a letter to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me, how much you've changed my life, how much joy you bring me every. single. second... but I really and truly don't have the words to express the magnitude of it all. So instead, let me talk a little about You At 16 months.

Quite simply, you are a delight. You are bright, inquisitive, into everything. You're challenging, asserting your independence, and you don't understand sometimes why you can't have/do what you want. However, you are remarkably calm and self-controlled for a toddler and you often accept my word for how things need to be. You understand so much. Many times we can communicate with just a glance. You are perceptive, you watch everything (you always have, really.) Honestly, your personality is so huge and so complex that I really can't sum it up in just a few words... so I asked your Grammy what the top notes of her overall impression of you is. Her answer was "calm and intelligent." I agree. However, I'll go deeper than that and say "calm, playful, and perspective." That's just the nutshell, darling.

Right now your favorite books are: Little Blue Truck, The Big Red Barn, Sesame Street Peekaboo, Oh The Thinks You Can Think (you've loved that one since you were 6 months), Corduroy Bear, and Super Car (much to my chagrin you've always loved that one too, while I find it very obnoxious.) We read together every day. We also read a few bedtime books each night. You climb into my lap in the rocking chair, lean back, and listen to your stories.

You watch some Thomas the Train dvds and are quite in love with them. You like the Wiggles. You are no longer obsessed with the Ramona & Beezus movie. You used to be a Ramona fanatic. You asked to watch it all the time, you played along (running and jumping and yelling "DOWN!" at the appropriate parts) and I got so sick of that movie I couldn't take another minute. Luckily you graduated to Thomas right around then.

You are just learning to dance. Mostly it is foot stomping and quasi-tap dancing like you saw Elmo do on tv. I try not to let you watch too much tv. Some days you don't watch any at all. Some days you watch 30 minutes to an hour.

You are still nursing. Mostly before-and-after sleep and a few quick "snacks" during the day. You get so excited about it sometimes you grin and giggle and mutter "numnumnumnum!" while pawing to get at them. Sometimes you latch on and then give me an approving nod, as if to say this is EXACTLY how things should be. It's adorable.

When you want my attention, you don't cry or yell or whine. You very gently place your little hand against my cheek and turn my face until I'm looking at you. Then you point at what you want, or otherwise explain what you want. I'm amazed at how clear and logical and gentle an approach that is! Whining is easy to ignore. Who could ignore someone physically turning their face and forcing them to look at them? How brilliant!

Every sunday we make banana coconut pancakes. You stand on a chair or sit on the counter and mash bananas, stir in flour, etc. You often like to "wash" dishes and play in the sink. You love to help me cook and love to stir things in pots. You also help me unload the dishwasher... though it's a challenge to load it because you keep wanting to take everything back out!

Your favorite toys right now are a big pile of cardboard boxes of various shapes and sizes that I've saved for you. They are the best building blocks and I stack them up and you push them over. You like doing puzzles with your Aunt Leah. You rarely play with your other toys in their intended way - rather, you carry them around, move them different places, stack them, sort them, etc. You've recently begun to use imaginative play now and then. You were carrying a model dinosaur around, cuddled against your chest, repeating "baby" over and over again. You got a bowl and wooden spoon, put puzzle pieces in it, used a large wooden puzzle piece as a "lid", and placed it on a bookshelf to use as a stove. There, you took the lid on and off, stirred, and gave me "tastes" on the wooden spoon. This was all spontaneous on your part. I think you're quite young to be using your imagination so well!

You love to climb everything. Couches, chairs, stools, desks. You make your mama so nervous when I catch you balancing precariously on top of a toy. Sometimes you fall, but not often, but I bite my lip and let you climb anyway because I don't want to be one of those hovering, helicopter mothers.

As I said before, you understand virtually everything. You listen calmly to explanations, even ones I'm not sure you're fully grasping. You are capable of speaking quite a few words but after saying them a few times you generally lose interest. You communicate very well with pointing, a few signs, body language, etc. I suppose you don't "need" to use the words yet.

Words you know are: banana, dog, bird, baby, toast, down, hot, all done (that was one of your first, actually), Leah, Grammy, Mama (though you actually rarely say that one!), and probably many others I'm forgetting at the moment. You know all the animal sounds, car sounds, train sounds, etc. You use sign language for "more" (index finger to palm) and "all done" (clapping) and hot (waving your hands back and forth.)

You used to like baths. Then you hated them. Then you were scared of them after I accidently turned the shower on while you were in the tub. You didn't bathe for three weeks after that! Now you like baths again but it's a mild take-it-or-leave-it type of like. You paddle around and play with some boats and cups and then ask to get out after about 10-15 minutes. Sometimes as little as 5 minutes. You generally hold still while I wash you up, even when I rinse your hair! When I wrap you in a towel, we pause by the mirror and I say "there's my baby monkey!" and you say "ooh ooh ahh ahh!"

We cosleep, always have. You generally sleep quite well. You rarely wake up if I'm laying in bed with you or knitting nearby in the rocking chair. I've recently begun turning on the baby monitor and creeping downstairs. You wake up a bit more with that but we're working on it... and it's still not bad.

There's so much more to say but it's late and I'm tired. This will do for now. I'll write more later. But let me just end this with saying what a miracle you are, my pride and joy. I love you more than you will ever know.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

STILL working on the longies!


Joining in the Yarn Along today!




As you can see, I'm still working on the Osprey longies.  It has been slow going because the baby is sleeping so restlessly these days... but they have also been a huge learning experience for me.  I've made a bunch of mistakes, probably because I work on them late at night when I'm tired, and I've learned how to fix so many of them!

I've learned how to rip out rows without dropping stitches, and I've learned how to pick up stitches that I accidentally dropped a row before, and I've learned how to begin a new ball of yarn mid-project, among other things.

I'm very happy with how these are coming out and can't wait to finish!  I only have one leg to go so I know that I'll be finished in a few days.  I didn't do a gauge so they're coming out a little big but I'm hopeful that it won't be too bad and that the baby will still be able to wear them this fall and winter.

I'm reading Buddha in the Attic.  I picked it up spur of the moment the other day and I'm very happy I did.  It's a really quick read (I only have a chapter to go) and its fascinating to think of how hard life must have been for the "picture brides" from Japan a century ago.  It's a little depressing, too.  Still, well worth the read!




Thursday, August 9, 2012

Yarn Along

(Belatedly) joining Ginny Jonny (ha!) for the Yarn Along.

I'm still working on my Osprey pants for the baby.  The body went quickly but I've had a couple setbacks with the legs.  They're going nicely now but I'm not a fan of double pointeds, at least not yet.  They're so awkward to hold.

The knitting would be going faster if the baby was sleeping better.  He has been very restless this week so it's kind of 'knit a row, nurse baby, knit a row, nurse baby.'

Still, I'm hopeful that I'll finish them by next week.


I'm currently reading the patchwork chapters of this beautiful copy of The Sewing Encyclopedia that my mother lent me. I'm starting my very first patchwork quilt and I'd like it to be finished by this winter. So far the book has been very helpful... though it's a bit overwhelming. The 'encyclopedia' part is right. It has everything!

How about what I'm watching, too? I don't have cable hooked up yet so I usually pop a DVD in and play it on low to keep me entertained while I knit. The volume has to stay pretty low because the baby is sleeping only a few feet away but it still makes good background noise.

So these days I alternate between watching NCIS Season 3 (I love that show! It's by far the classiest crime drama on television.) and watching Jane Austen movies (Pride & Prejudice and Persuasion.) The weird thing is that I can switch between them in a single night.
My mood changes easily, apparently.



Friday, August 3, 2012

Fluffy Mail

I had several packages waiting for me when I got home from our trip. I really love getting packages in the mail!

The first was three extra workhorse fitteds since I'm planning to transition Deacon into fitteds and wool whenever possible - especially overnight. He's already in size large and I really love the fit. The elastic is so gentle! I'm thinking of destashing my prefolds (he is outgrowing them and its getting difficult to put them on the wigglier he gets) and getting some more workhorses. I can alternate quite happily between those and the Swaddlebees Simplex and then my entire stash will be nice, simple 100% cotton dipes with a good fit on my chunkster.

I also had a package waiting from Quince & Co!

A brown paper package, so of course I had to start singing 'My Favorite Things' from The Sound of Music. Now, I don't know much about yarn, but I'm just in love with the Osprey. Its so cushy and soft and the color 'marsh' is a perfect deep green that will look very handsome on the baby.

I'm a little disappointed in the Lark, however. It sounded like it would be good at showing off the cabling of the Milo vest I'm planning, which is why I bought it, but the texture is only so-so, I think.  My mother says its a good yarn and she knows more about this sort of thing. Also, the color is nothing like what was pictured! The color is 'honey' so one would expect it to he somewhat honey-like, yes? Some sort of orange, tan, or amber? Thats what was pictured. Instead, I got olive green. Straightforward olive green. I don't know about you but I've never seen honey that color! Still, I think the color may make a nice vest in the end. Here's hoping!

My last package wasn't actually mailed. My sister is lucky enough to live a couple blocks from Mountain Rose Herbs so I picked up an order of herbal tea and some herbs to make my own diaper balm (calendula, comfrey, chamomile.) I'm modifying recipes I've seen a couple different places, going mostly off Ginny's recipe for bottom salve on Small Things.

So I packed the herbs in a mason jar and set it in the sun to steep for a couple weeks. I've noticed this is almost the same recipe used in my brother in law's Three Sevens tattoo balm - minus St Johns Wort and Chickweed. So it must be quite versatile. I can't wait to finish it!

I also got a copy of The Amish Kitchen Cookbook from my sister. It has some good simple hearty recipes.  I'm excited to try them out.










Finished Soaker

I finished washing and lanolizing the baby's first wool soaker the other day and I'm in love with them.  He wears them over his GMD workhorse fitted diapers and between the two of them it seems so comfortable and breathable.  The elastic on the workhorses is so gentle.  I'm so pleased with how the soaker came out and I can't wait to knit up some more.  One is not enough to get us through the day every day.

We have been going to the park in the mornings when its cool to let my sister swing (her favorite pastime.)  So I took some pictures of the baby modeling his new soaker.








He seems happy in it, doesn't he?