My dearest Deacon, I've been meaning to write this for some time now (six months or so) and I'd like to say that I didn't have the time but the truth is that I've been procrastinating. I haven't written about you or about motherhood in so long that it felt like anything I wrote had to be Very Important... and honestly, I just didn't have the energy to pour into such a huge endeavor. Because, you see, I'm pouring my energy into you.
But today I realized that I (already) can't remember when you took your first steps. Hopefully it's just one of those brain malfunctions and tomorrow I'll remember perfectly. I know it was around 12 months. Or was it 11 months? I just can't be sure. And so the fear of what else I may be forgetting has prompted me to write again after all.
I want to write a letter to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me, how much you've changed my life, how much joy you bring me every. single. second... but I really and truly don't have the words to express the magnitude of it all. So instead, let me talk a little about You At 16 months.
Quite simply, you are a delight. You are bright, inquisitive, into everything. You're challenging, asserting your independence, and you don't understand sometimes why you can't have/do what you want. However, you are remarkably calm and self-controlled for a toddler and you often accept my word for how things need to be. You understand so much. Many times we can communicate with just a glance. You are perceptive, you watch everything (you always have, really.) Honestly, your personality is so huge and so complex that I really can't sum it up in just a few words... so I asked your Grammy what the top notes of her overall impression of you is. Her answer was "calm and intelligent." I agree. However, I'll go deeper than that and say "calm, playful, and perspective." That's just the nutshell, darling.
Right now your favorite books are: Little Blue Truck, The Big Red Barn, Sesame Street Peekaboo, Oh The Thinks You Can Think (you've loved that one since you were 6 months), Corduroy Bear, and Super Car (much to my chagrin you've always loved that one too, while I find it very obnoxious.) We read together every day. We also read a few bedtime books each night. You climb into my lap in the rocking chair, lean back, and listen to your stories.
You watch some Thomas the Train dvds and are quite in love with them. You like the Wiggles. You are no longer obsessed with the Ramona & Beezus movie. You used to be a Ramona fanatic. You asked to watch it all the time, you played along (running and jumping and yelling "DOWN!" at the appropriate parts) and I got so sick of that movie I couldn't take another minute. Luckily you graduated to Thomas right around then.
You are just learning to dance. Mostly it is foot stomping and quasi-tap dancing like you saw Elmo do on tv. I try not to let you watch too much tv. Some days you don't watch any at all. Some days you watch 30 minutes to an hour.
You are still nursing. Mostly before-and-after sleep and a few quick "snacks" during the day. You get so excited about it sometimes you grin and giggle and mutter "numnumnumnum!" while pawing to get at them. Sometimes you latch on and then give me an approving nod, as if to say this is EXACTLY how things should be. It's adorable.
When you want my attention, you don't cry or yell or whine. You very gently place your little hand against my cheek and turn my face until I'm looking at you. Then you point at what you want, or otherwise explain what you want. I'm amazed at how clear and logical and gentle an approach that is! Whining is easy to ignore. Who could ignore someone physically turning their face and forcing them to look at them? How brilliant!
Every sunday we make banana coconut pancakes. You stand on a chair or sit on the counter and mash bananas, stir in flour, etc. You often like to "wash" dishes and play in the sink. You love to help me cook and love to stir things in pots. You also help me unload the dishwasher... though it's a challenge to load it because you keep wanting to take everything back out!
Your favorite toys right now are a big pile of cardboard boxes of various shapes and sizes that I've saved for you. They are the best building blocks and I stack them up and you push them over. You like doing puzzles with your Aunt Leah. You rarely play with your other toys in their intended way - rather, you carry them around, move them different places, stack them, sort them, etc. You've recently begun to use imaginative play now and then. You were carrying a model dinosaur around, cuddled against your chest, repeating "baby" over and over again. You got a bowl and wooden spoon, put puzzle pieces in it, used a large wooden puzzle piece as a "lid", and placed it on a bookshelf to use as a stove. There, you took the lid on and off, stirred, and gave me "tastes" on the wooden spoon. This was all spontaneous on your part. I think you're quite young to be using your imagination so well!
You love to climb everything. Couches, chairs, stools, desks. You make your mama so nervous when I catch you balancing precariously on top of a toy. Sometimes you fall, but not often, but I bite my lip and let you climb anyway because I don't want to be one of those hovering, helicopter mothers.
As I said before, you understand virtually everything. You listen calmly to explanations, even ones I'm not sure you're fully grasping. You are capable of speaking quite a few words but after saying them a few times you generally lose interest. You communicate very well with pointing, a few signs, body language, etc. I suppose you don't "need" to use the words yet.
Words you know are: banana, dog, bird, baby, toast, down, hot, all done (that was one of your first, actually), Leah, Grammy, Mama (though you actually rarely say that one!), and probably many others I'm forgetting at the moment. You know all the animal sounds, car sounds, train sounds, etc. You use sign language for "more" (index finger to palm) and "all done" (clapping) and hot (waving your hands back and forth.)
You used to like baths. Then you hated them. Then you were scared of them after I accidently turned the shower on while you were in the tub. You didn't bathe for three weeks after that! Now you like baths again but it's a mild take-it-or-leave-it type of like. You paddle around and play with some boats and cups and then ask to get out after about 10-15 minutes. Sometimes as little as 5 minutes. You generally hold still while I wash you up, even when I rinse your hair! When I wrap you in a towel, we pause by the mirror and I say "there's my baby monkey!" and you say "ooh ooh ahh ahh!"
We cosleep, always have. You generally sleep quite well. You rarely wake up if I'm laying in bed with you or knitting nearby in the rocking chair. I've recently begun turning on the baby monitor and creeping downstairs. You wake up a bit more with that but we're working on it... and it's still not bad.
There's so much more to say but it's late and I'm tired. This will do for now. I'll write more later. But let me just end this with saying what a miracle you are, my pride and joy. I love you more than you will ever know.
